You are a total babe. I promise. Some people will always be rude and hurtful, but only you can make the effort to love yourself unconditionally. It's a tough journey to body acceptance, and we all slip sometimes. But you can do it <3
Thank you so much. :) You have no idea how much something like this helps.
I’ve been feeling pretty down on myself lately. I don’t know why, I just have been… Depressed, more anxious than usual, and feeling in general like the person I am on the outside doesn’t match the person I am on the inside. So, I’ve been feeling this way but still putting a smile on my face to not show how much it’s been bothering me. I haven’t even really talked to Boyfriend about it.
Basically, I’ve been doing the one thing you shouldn’t do when you’re depressed…
And then I rode the L. I ride the L pretty much every day, most days with out incident. This particular evening was not one of those evenings… I was riding the Red Line with my friend over to her neighborhood to have pancakes. The train was a little packed. We were in the first car and so she leaned up against the door for the conductors area and I stood in front of her and held on to the hand rail. I was standing in a pretty narrow space and have my heavy backpack, and when the Red Line goes up above the ground it gets really wobbley to my balance was a little off.
I noticed when I got on that there was what appeared to be a homeless man sitting next to where we were standing and that when we got on he squeezed further away from us which I thought was odd. I thought I caught some sort of look as well but sometimes my anxiety blows stuff out of proportion… so I brushed it off. Most of this train ride we are standing and talking and minding our own business and I’m having a little trouble balancing. So, when I double seat became available by the door (adjacent to where the homeless man was sitting) and in my little trek to the seat I barely brushed one of his many, scattered, GIGANTIC bags with my leg.
I sat down and this man starts ranting about us: “Ain’t neither one of you gonna say excuse me? Fuckin’ fat-ass…” He kept going on and on. It was very clear that I was the one he was referring to with the fat-ass comment (my friend is not particularly thin, but I don’t think anyone would call her a fat-ass…). I pretended to ignore it. But my friend could see the pain on my face. She would catch my eye and make a funny face, or roll her eyes at him. I really tried to just brush it off and pretend it didn’t happen. But… I couldn’t.
I wasn’t going to talk about it. But then my friend starting telling me how much it made her mad that some homeless man made me feel so crummy about myself. She told me how she wanted to punch him in the face for verbally beating up her friend. So, I started talking about how it made me feel. And how I had been feeling for the past few weeks. It felt good just to get it out.
This man calling me that name is still bugging me. Bugging me so much that when I was visiting home this weekend for my bff’s birthday I had a break down before dinner and just started crying because I wasn’t going to be dressed up (I didn’t know that was planned so I hadn’t packed anything to fit that) and I was going to look not only slummy and gross compared to everyone else, but also fat and ugly.
It’s frustrating. I don’t understand how a man I don’t even know can hurt me so much. I don’t understand how to fix it. I want to start losing weight—for myself—but I worry that I will be turning my back on the “Body Acceptance” movement. And I don’t know where to start…
“What we say is that in order for Mom to be able to go on welfare if she has a child out of wedlock, you have to tell us who the father is…If you don’t tell us who the father is, you’re not eligible for any welfare benefits, none, not even medical care. You tell us who the father is or you don’t receive benefits…If Mom knows that she isn’t gonna receive welfare if she doesn’t tell us who Dad is, y’know maybe she’ll be a little more careful, maybe…Or maybe she gives us a list, say ‘Well it could be one of five,’ I mean, y’know, I don’t know what she’s gonna do, but at some point we’re gonna see her cooperate…We say to Mom that you tell us the wrong name, and we’ll bring that guy in and we’ll do a blood test and that’s not Dad, you lose your welfare benefits…You lose your welfare benefits not till you tell us another name, but till we find out who Dad is, we establish it.”—
Rick Santorum proposing obligatory government paternity tests before single mothers can receive welfare, at an event in Pennsylvania in 1994. [source]